Posted by: thedianestory | August 27, 2013

Dreams

August 27, 2013

Sometimes I feel stuck. Like everyone around me has lives moving forward – and I’m stuck on the replay button with no way to hit pause and reset.

My mom and I had a discussion over the weekend about kids. I’m 31 years old, single and childless. When my mom was 31, she had an 11 and 8 year old (sixth grader and third grader). I could never have imagined that this is where life would have me.

Growing up I was the child who had her life planned by the time I was in second grade. I’d be an elementary school teacher, get married at age 27 and have three kids. Instead I find myself medically disabled, divorced by age 27 and unable to bear children due to endometriosis complications. I often put my brave face on, but this life is hard. So very hard.

The new school year started here in the town I live. It’s always bittersweet for me as I see my Facebook light up with “First day of school” pics for all my friends’ and family’s kids. Wishing so much that I was getting my own children ready for their first day of school. Beyond that, I also long to be the teacher welcoming new students to their first day of class. Teaching will always be a passion of mine and I wish to do nothing more.

If I thought I could change things, I would. Of course I wish I could push through and finish my credential. But just when I think that maybe my body is turning a corner, I get reminded its still sick. Just last week I found myself blacked out in the hallway in the middle of the night, after my stomach pain flared. It’s beyond my control and it is so frustrating.

And so I lay in bed at night and dream. I dream of a different life. I ask God for a miracle, and pray that one day, I too can have happiness.

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Responses

  1. Yep. I hear you, hunny. I hear you loud and clear, and I feel deeply this pain. I love you, and am glad you keep going.

    • Love you too. Thx Shelley. 🙂

  2. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I will be 27 on September 24th. I am also childless 😦 I had to have an emergency total hysterectomy in Oct 2011. Keep your chin up and know that your EndoSisters are here for you. I find a lot of the endo groups on Facebook to be a good source of support. Feel free to connect with me on Facebook ❤ Stay strong EndoSister! Sending you positive thoughts ❤


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