Posted by: thedianestory | May 14, 2013

If I’m Honest – On Mother’s Day

May 14, 2013

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Mother’s Day is a day that has been set aside to honor mothers. We all have one. Hopefully most of us want to celebrate her. That’s true in my case. I love my mom – my best friend, biggest cheerleader and unending sounding board. I made sure she felt loved and honored and knew how much I appreciate her in my life. But all of that celebrating was done while I had a secret struggle going on deep inside my heart.

This holiday is a painful reminder of what I don’t have – a child. The day is filled with painful images of mom’s relishing their motherhood. My social media accounts were littered with status headings of “I’m finally a mom” and “my kids mean everything to me” and scads of pictures of the cutest babies and children in the world.

The day tugged at my heart strings more than this holiday ever has. I woke up emotionally vulnerable and raw. Perhaps the fact that I attended a baby shower the day before as well, played into it – but I just wasn’t ready for the deluge of motherhood vs. emotions that hit me. In fact, had it not been for having my own mother to celebrate, I probably would have pulled the covers back up over my head and stayed in bed.

Self pity, you ask? No…real emotions of grieving a loss. Sometimes the grief hits when you aren’t expecting it. And I allow myself those days here and there. I have to. I wanted motherhood to happen for me more than any other dream in my life. So sometimes, when the world is focusing on moms, it’s just more than I can handle. I put a brave smile on my face and went to dinner with my mom and her good friend. I watched as the restaurant handed out roses to all the moms in the rooms. Again, a tug at my heart strings.

I know God has a plan for my life. And I know that that plan could be greater than I could ever imagine. But I also have real feelings inside me and the hope I’ve always held onto and the trust in that plan of hope that one day, somehow I’d have a happy little family of my own, diminishes as I get older…my 31st birthday peeking around the corner.

There have been a couple times in the last eight years that close friends of mine have thought of me on Mother’s Day and gotten me a “To the greatest Aunt on Mother’s Day” card, to celebrate the special place I have in their kid(s) life. And those couple times have been the biggest pick-me-ups on a day that holds secret pain for me. To be honest though, most years I think everyone sees my smile and brave face and really forgets about what is probably going on deep down inside of me. And so I write.

It scares me a little to write openly and honestly and to be so candid – because I don’t want it ever to come across like it’s “all about me” all the time. But I also feel like this story needs told. It’s who I am. And I am honest. And my brave face cannot always mask the pain I feel inside.

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Responses

  1. I have known several women who have expressed this sentiment. Most cannot go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too painful. Thank you for expressing this so well. Your transparency is commendable.

    • Thanks for the comment, friend. 😉

  2. I’m sorry I didn’t think if you on Sunday & at least give you a call. I know it must be hard. The day is a reminder of what could have been. But I do hope you know what could have been for some reason wasn’t in God’s plan, and that means his plan is better. I have confidence in his plan for you even though it’s hard to have faith sometimes in all the adversity. Until God gives you a husband & kids (either his or orphans) I am so thankful for your love for mine! You are a blessing to my family. You love with your whole heart, give generously & spend quality time when you are here. My kids will always know they have an Auntie Di no matter the miles between us. And I live you for that! God could not have given me a better friend & sister in Christ! There should be an Auntie’s Day!!! Choose one!

    • Thanks bestie. Love you too.

  3. Diane, I never write any Mother’s Day posts on facebook or twitter or anything on Mother’s Day because my heart is thinking of women like you. I don’t say anything because I don’t adore my family, which everyone knows I do, but because sometimes you don’t have the words to heal those hurting places for others, so you’re just quiet. I think of women- you and others like you- who want desperately to be moms, but aren’t, of my friend who lost a child this year, of another friend who lost her mother. Praying that God would comfort and sustain you and, of course, you may not be a biological mother, but you are most definitely a mother to so many. Your heart and your life exude nurturing, love, and mothering. So, Happy (late) Mother’s Day, to you, my dear!

    • Thank you Morgan. You brought tears to my eyes. Your words are precious. Thank you so very much. Love you friend. 🙂

  4. I know how hard those days must be. I can’t imagine not having both of you in my life. We never know gods plan for our life. I hope and pray that you will one day have little ones in your life.

    I love you very much. I am always here for you and love hanging out with you. Nothing can come between us.

    Love you, Mom

    • Thanks mom. I can’t imagine life without you.


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