Posted by: thedianestory | June 7, 2011

Matters in My Mind

June 7, 2011

When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom. Doesn’t every little girl? Didn’t we all play “house” and pretend to be the mommy? For some this was just a natural mirroring of life around them, but for me it was something real. Something that was a dream deep inside my heart from the time I was very little. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom. I dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a happy little family of my own. More than one of those dreams fell apart, but I’m writing right now of that dream of becoming a mom.

Most probably don’t really understand the pain of not being able to bear children. Unless you have walked that road yourself, you don’t really understand the pain. When I was 17 and began having constant pelvic pain I couldn’t have imagined what a nightmare that pain was leading up to. I spent two years and countless hours in doctor’s offices trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. Through my own research I came to the realization that I had endometriosis and finally convinced my doctor to do surgery to officially diagnose me and see if he could rid me of the pain. Little did I know at the time, there is no cure for this disease and that surgery would not be my last. Twelve years and 22 surgeries later, I sit here broken hearted. Broken hearted at where life has led and how that dream of becoming a mom may never come true. And it certainly won’t come true to bear children of my own. That option was taken away five years ago.

If the pain of dreams being shattered and being childless at age 29 is not enough, compound that pain by adding to it, the way many with children treat me – including the circle of people around me who have been in my life for years. Many treat me like I don’t know how to take care of a kid; Like somehow because I don’t have children of my own, I can’t possibly know how to meet their needs. In several circumstances I am treated like I am stupid for suggesting something that would work just fine for a child, but because the actual parent wants to feel superior to me, they say that wouldn’t work – passing me off as if I can’t know what I’m talking about simply because I don’t have children.

I’ve taken care of children since I was a teenager. I shared a room with a newborn baby when I was in high school – so I’ve had the experience of being woken up in the night when the baby is hungry, sick or simply wants to play in the middle of the night. 🙂 I’ve babysat more kids than I can count and am an Aunty to my best friends’ children. More recently we’ve had friends with children live with us for short stints of time and I’ve done my fair share of helping to care for them. I treat the children in my life as if they are my own.

Trust me when I say I fully realize I don’t know everything about being a parent. I’ve never been blessed with the opportunity to care for a child of my own. I don’t know what it feels like to be 100% responsible for the life of a little child. But I am not ignorant or stupid and I’m quite capable of caring for kids. Yes, I know what a baby can and can’t eat. I’m aware of the importance of children having schedules. I know when a toddler is tired, hungry or hurt. I can rock a kid to sleep and put them down for a nap or tuck them into bed. I’m certainly capable of making a bottle for a baby, and I’m not an idiot when it comes to the temperature of the water – I can handle it! Likewise I can cook and prepare a meal for a child of any age – it really isn’t rocket science. And I can certainly handle helping a child unwrap a gift when the mom is tending to another issue. I’m childless because of a medical issue – not because I can’t handle taking care of children.

I’ve had close friends tell me that they didn’t really see a need to be friends with me anymore because I just couldn’t possibly relate to where they are at in life, because I don’t have children. That hurt me to my core. Pour salt in an open wound – Seriously? I’m an outcast in a social community of those with children? Like only those with kids have something to give? We were friends before they had children, so why once they have children would our friendship be deemed invalid? I can’t love those children and be someone special in their lives? Wouldn’t you want someone to rejoice with you in the precious lives that God entrusted you with? And what about them – they still have needs and are not a complete different person because they now have children. Girlfriends can still be girlfriends! You can’t tell me they don’t need “Girl’s Night Out” once in awhile.

Some friends have become so self-consumed, that I haven’t even met their children. And that makes me wonder what they really think friendship is; because in my friendships, I do my best to think beyond myself. And if roles were reversed and I knew that giving my friend just a few minutes of a sweet baby in her arms would light up her world – I would do it. But with so many months gone by, I don’t know that our friendship really matters. Sometimes words are cheap and actions speak louder (but that is a topic for a whole other post). My heart hurts and it blows my mind.

I think people think that “time heals all wounds,” but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Sometimes time makes the wounds grow deeper. Imagine watching the entire world around you starting their families. People you’ve grown up with not only having one child, but being on their second, third or fourth. And of course my heart is so happy for them, and I am proud to be an aunty to some of the cutest little children you’ve ever seen – those of my two besties. But it doesn’t mean that there isn’t pain there and I can’t continue to hide it.

I just want people to think beyond themselves and develop empathy for others who may not have the same blessings as their own. This can apply in many circumstances, not just the one I focused on here. My life is no where that I thought it would be at this point in my life and I am trying to make sense of it. I think this will be the first post of a series sharing with you what my heart and mind are processing. I have so many thoughts whirling through my brain and they can’t be written in one post. So for now I am going to leave you with what I have written. And I want to always give thanks to God for being my constant when no one and no other thing has ever been. I will forever have my faith and will forever Praise His Name.

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Responses

  1. You’re right, Diane-I cannot possibly imagine your deep pain, but I think it is good for you to express it, as you do need to grieve your situation. Grief is not only for the death of a person, but can also be for many other heartaches/losses in our lives. I’m praying for you, and please know that you can still call me any time. I love you. ~Aunt Judy : )

  2. P.S. Please hang in there!

  3. diane when I read your blog I cried. I dont understand why someone would say that to you. yes you may not have children but God has a better plan for you. I have known in my heart since I was very young that you were going be something great and you are. dont let others discourage you and if you are ever in tulsa you can come take my kids for a couple days they will wear you out.

  4. I wish things were different for you. If I could change things I would. I love you for who you are. I am glad that you have kept your faith through all of this and I know Dod will keep you in the future as well.

    Love you lots Mom

  5. I have full trust in your capabilities in caring for my children, so visit already! Love you! And though I may not ever know your pain through personal experience, I have been here through it all & love you like a sister, so your pain is my pain. My heart aches for what you go through on a daily basis & if I could take on some of it for you I would. I know God has great things planned for your future. They may not be what you dreamed of as a child but sometimes God’s plans for us are even better than what we could imagine for our selves. I hope this is true for you & that he heals you!

  6. This brought tears to my eyes Di. I am so glad that we have been able to strengthen our friendship over the last couple of years and that you are part of my childrens lives.

  7. Diane, I am amazed at how people respond. I can empathize with you. I had people quit being my friend when I went through my divorce. A social outcast. I am so sorry you are going through this. My prayer is that God will give you the strength to know His will for you. I may not talk to you very often but I always read your posts.
    Love, joanne

  8. I miss you my friend! Have so many responses to this swirling in my head & my heart.most of all: Please know that even though I’ve been outof touch, I think about you all the time!

  9. WOW! The nerve of some people! I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through with surgeries, “friends” and the pain of not having kids. What assholes! I am excited to have your come live with my kids for a week while I go on vacation with my hubby. I know you will do fantastic and the kids love you too 🙂 You know I am not a church-goer, but I do believe in GOD and I also believe he has a special plan for you. I know it’s hard waiting to “see” what it is, but in time it will come and it will be GREAT!! Love you and looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!! xoxo


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